Is it because the resolutions you carve are unattainable? Or is it because come February, your birthday, and other events, your mind forgets the resolution it makes? I don't know. I don't think I made a resolution for 2010.
So now, should I jinx this year by creating new resolutions? I barely know what I want to do with myself. I do however know one thing....
I want to lose weight.
For a person whose average weight floundered between 49 and 51 kgs, my current state is a stark example of someone who has lost control of many things. My 25 inch waistline has expanded and I cannot bring myself to circulate it with measuring tape. My hips have overtaken Shakira's unlying ones.
So I guess it would be safe to say that for 2011, I'd really like to work at losing the belly, toning my body, and getting fit. I should be able to shouldn't I? I'm not 30 yet, and I don't want to wait till I get dumped or contract diabetes to get started on my body. I'm sure Mike wouldn't mind me shedding a few kilos. I have made a vow not to return to the 49kgs I used to be - everyone except Willy says I look better with some sort of curves. So maybe I will just try to hit 52kgs. I think I'd be comfortable with that. 51 kgs used to drive me insane. I thought that was obese enough. Apparently that was only the beginning.
I look at myself now and think 'who is that pregnant woman?'. Most of the time, it's me. I also sport a double chin which really annoys me because I feel like I look 50 with it.
My ass is the size of Antarctica and my cheeks are like Chinese buns. My arms, needless to say, are as flabby as the next pirate ship flag. Don't even get me started on the cellulite debut!
Yet I pride myself an aspiring cook. All this fucking weight issue and I love to cook. I've stopped myself from cooking anything, because I only cook the stuff I want to eat. I'm selfish that way. I don't cook for you. I cook for me and if you happen to be around, then congratulations, you would've earned yourself a free meal... So far Mike's kitchen has been a playground for my spices, and ever since my Aunty Arsenia the maid came back to us, I put the ladle down and I've rested the knives.
Everytime I eat, I feel like someone's judging me. "The fatty is eating", "look at her go!", "aww, pregnant". I try to wear the most expandable clothing, and I try to leave my bag on my lap to save anyone the sight of my belly folds. I really don't want to do that anymore. I've been defending my tummy for more than a year and it's time I disown it.
I know I'm supposed to feel bold when big, beautiful when bold, yada yada yada. Truth is, I feel like shit. I hate feeling fat. It makes me feel lazy and it makes me make less of an effort with myself.
There's only so much make up can cover. The rest is up to me. I'm going to begin jogging with Farah, and hopefully we'll make it a weekly activity. If I could go with Farah every Thursday and with Mike every Sunday, I'd transfer my gym membership to the Fitness First in Bukit Damansara so I could go there every Tuesday to do, well, something with myself. I'm paying RM147 each month to be affiliated with that gym, and affiliated is all I am at the moment. This has to stop!
So 2011, I'm going to be skinny and fabulous again.
Maybe not skinny, but slimmer. Definitely fabulous. With skinniness, everything looks fabulous on you. Or me.
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