Excess Baggage

How many people fulfill their new year's resolutions? No one I know has. In fact, things in regard to your rock solid resolutions always take a turn for the worse or unexpected and you're left with little option to dodge its shortcomings.

Is it because the resolutions you carve are unattainable? Or is it because come February, your birthday, and other events, your mind forgets the resolution it makes? I don't know. I don't think I made a resolution for 2010.

So now, should I jinx this year by creating new resolutions? I barely know what I want to do with myself. I do however know one thing....

I want to lose weight.

For a person whose average weight floundered between 49 and 51 kgs, my current state is a stark example of someone who has lost control of many things. My 25 inch waistline has expanded and I cannot bring myself to circulate it with measuring tape. My hips have overtaken Shakira's unlying ones.

So I guess it would be safe to say that for 2011, I'd really like to work at losing the belly, toning my body, and getting fit. I should be able to shouldn't I? I'm not 30 yet, and I don't want to wait till I get dumped or contract diabetes to get started on my body. I'm sure Mike wouldn't mind me shedding a few kilos. I have made a vow not to return to the 49kgs I used to be - everyone except Willy says I look better with some sort of curves. So maybe I will just try to hit 52kgs. I think I'd be comfortable with that. 51 kgs used to drive me insane. I thought that was obese enough. Apparently that was only the beginning.

I look at myself now and think 'who is that pregnant woman?'. Most of the time, it's me. I also sport a double chin which really annoys me because I feel like I look 50 with it.

My ass is the size of Antarctica and my cheeks are like Chinese buns. My arms, needless to say, are as flabby as the next pirate ship flag. Don't even get me started on the cellulite debut!

Yet I pride myself an aspiring cook. All this fucking weight issue and I love to cook. I've stopped myself from cooking anything, because I only cook the stuff I want to eat. I'm selfish that way. I don't cook for you. I cook for me and if you happen to be around, then congratulations, you would've earned yourself a free meal... So far Mike's kitchen has been a playground for my spices, and ever since my Aunty Arsenia the maid came back to us, I put the ladle down and I've rested the knives.

Everytime I eat, I feel like someone's judging me. "The fatty is eating", "look at her go!", "aww, pregnant". I try to wear the most expandable clothing, and I try to leave my bag on my lap to save anyone the sight of my belly folds. I really don't want to do that anymore. I've been defending my tummy for more than a year and it's time I disown it.

I know I'm supposed to feel bold when big, beautiful when bold, yada yada yada. Truth is, I feel like shit. I hate feeling fat. It makes me feel lazy and it makes me make less of an effort with myself.

There's only so much make up can cover. The rest is up to me. I'm going to begin jogging with Farah, and hopefully we'll make it a weekly activity. If I could go with Farah every Thursday and with Mike every Sunday, I'd transfer my gym membership to the Fitness First in Bukit Damansara so I could go there every Tuesday to do, well, something with myself. I'm paying RM147 each month to be affiliated with that gym, and affiliated is all I am at the moment. This has to stop!

So 2011, I'm going to be skinny and fabulous again.

Maybe not skinny, but slimmer. Definitely fabulous. With skinniness, everything looks fabulous on you. Or me.

In The End

There was no explosion, no fireworks, no madness. All we had was a projector, shared a bottle of champagne between the odd 10 of us and resumed our positions at the foldable plastic tables to continue drinking juices and beers. 2010 did not end with a bang, and yet, the tail-end of the year proved to be quite a bang on its own - a shot to the head and a hole in the pocket.

It all began when I didn't plan my Christmas diligently. I used to be able to organize my Christmasses without much fuss. But December swooped by low and I barely had time to run for cover. Every item on my Christmas shopping list was bought two days before Christmas and I had lost all sense of navigating my way through Christmas plans. I had no idea what I was going to do, whose house I was going to be at, and lastly, an hour before Christmas eve mass, I realized I hadn't allocated time for me to wrap my gifts.

Despite the horror of it all I managed to survive Christmas with a calm heart and hefty load of activities. I rushed to bake a potato au gratin, which failed me by way of not enough salt, and then forgot to buy my Goddaughter a gift, and had to send the maid to the train station which only meant one thing - I'd be late for my boyfriend's mother's Christmas dinner.

My punishment for arriving late was that I would have to endure the entire Christmas party watch me open my gifts - all 30 of them. Yes, Christmas at the Baker residence can be very overwhelming; you're showered with gifts and there's no escaping Jackie's loving clutch.. of gifts. She had gotten me a crazy total of 17 this year, she told me, and Mike my heart's anchor had gotten me 13 gifts, divided into little bits.

Jackie got me cooking DVDs, cookbooks, a shopping trolley which cracked the entire room up, and a few other bits and bobs. My darling Mike decided he'd furnish my Hong Kong trip with a new suitcase which homed an adorable teddy bear within. He'd also gotten me a dress, Godiva chocolate truffles (my absolute favorite), a Santa's Helper Barbie doll, beauty products and a laptop! (which I have been trying to use dutifully at any chance I get, which explains this night blogpost).

To my brilliant luck, because I had arrived late, some of them had to open their gifts at the time I did. I got Mike an Xbox 360 S for Christmas, and his mum on my suggestion bought the Kinect attachment which I've been dying to watch him try out. The Kinect is revolutionary in terms of motion video games, and forget the wands for the PS3 and the Wii, the Kinect sensor is definitely the future of motion gaming. To my relief, Mike was surprised at his gift and is totally hooked onto it. He hasn't set the Kinect up yet, but we'll do it this weekend.

Phe-ewh.

The days between Christmas and New Year went by without a hitch. I was at work and enjoyed the silence since everyone was away except Gerald. The beauty about having an online bank account is that you can monitor your expenditures. Mine was scraping the bottom of the barrel. I nearly panicked because Min was in China and hadn't issued our paychecks. I eventually got it, and saw NO BONUS!!!!! Bloody drats. Well times are bad, and I think this experience is humbling. *sigh

The eve of the eve was spent at my aunt's place. It was our belated Christmas celebration with the entire Fang family. I had a great time catching up with my cousins Dan and Ben, and with the rest of the fam over dinner and desserts. Nothing to complain there.

New Year's Eve went by quickly for me. It was strange. Malaysia won their first ever football game in some Suzuki Cup, so out of pride and joy, the prime minister declared the 31st of December a holiday. So all of a sudden, we had a holiday. However, Gerald called for a meeting so I still went to work half-day anyway. After a nice lunch with my mummy, we did a bit of grocery shopping at TMC before heading home. Jean requested I make some dessert for our New Year's Eve dinner and flattered, I did.

I napped a bit longer than expected and woke up in a rush. I was done with two batches of brownies in an hour, chucked them into a carry bag and whisked them off to Dan and Jean's place. The countdown was nice and it was lovely to have Mike beside me for a New Year's kiss. After the countdown and after hanging out with the kids, I followed Mike to Vanity where Hazri and Dawn joined me. It was a mellow celebration but I was glad to have Dawn there as she's someone who has been there for me from college days. She tried her best to stay as late as she could, which I completely adore her for.

Today was a total bust for me. I couldn't get my head together and with everyone back at their desks and hearing phones ring off the hook, I simply couldn't write! Maya comes back to work tomorrow which will relieve me of my load. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow, and an even better year ahead of me.

To Halloween I Go

So this year I have had 0 inspiration for Halloween. I'm not sure what it is, but I've been completely un-fazed by any celebration this year except for my birthday where everyone wore boots.

Kenny tells me I should be Edie Sedgewick while Willy can play my best friend Andy Warhol. The idea was neat and charming but I thought Edie would be playing it safe. I wanted to be scary this year. SCAAAARY!

Morticia Addams.

I think I will be Morticia Addams this year. It's not completely scary but I have her height, hair, long fingers and well, makeup can do the rest. All I need is a ghoulish black gown.

I have a long cotton dress, but unfortunately it's sleeveless. I may have to wear a long, black shirt inside it, or wear a huge or long shawl for the flowy effect.

Now I'm really looking forward to Saturday and dressing up to meet my friends. Razzaq said he'd go as Gomez and Kenny could do Fester. Willy could be Wednesday Addams. But I doubt Ken and Wills want to entertain our selfish whims. They might go as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. OR something fashionably messy.

So Rude!

Some people are so rude. I think there is a fine line between being funny and being rude. So far I have compared my life as a single person to that of my being a part of someone. Perhaps being 'myself' when I was single opened up many doors to many other open minds.

As I have come to realise and as I have seen in myself and other friends, the stuff that comes out of your mouth when you're single and the actions your body language automates are in no way intending to lead on, offend, or cause any drama. Therefore you aren't so careful with your freedom as a single person.

But when you into a relationship, all of that changes because you can't still be going around acting and exuding single-vibes! Change is inevitable whether you like it or not. And people change when they find a partner, as shallow or obvious as that may sound.

I feel that people around them should respect that they have another person in their lives to consider and thus drop the smart talk, the wandering hands, and so on. It's reasons like these that boyfriends cannot understand when a girl's friends begin making sexual jokes or sounding as if they want to date you. And today I'm not sure myself if what these guys say to me are just figure of speeches, funny statements, or suggestive words. I mean, I'd be off my hair follicles if a woman said something sex-objectifying to my boyfriend. In fact I'd hope and wish their friendship would just die.

Modesty of Marriage

When I look at my grandparents' happy marriage I am filled with warmth and security, knowing that they fully and truly devoted their love and lives to each other. I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl, born to a modern world. And I believe in love so true that not an issue of status, family, or monetary setback could detriment a relationship filled with honest and pure love.

Naturally, that Utopian hope for a fairy tale-like relationship can only survive in hopes and dreams (and old Disney classic cartoons), what with society's inability to cope with minute problems. The more I read about relationship advice, the more I feel the world is losing its depth to the shallowness of its people's flimsy minds.

Worse still I have recently read, seen and heard of SO many women settling for their Mr. Right Now-s because their biological clocks are ticking ever so loudly it deafens all concept of self-respect and perseverance. While I completely hate the idea of settling for Que-Sera-Sera, I am saddened to understand why they do it.

Don't Miss The Boat!

Because marriage has become a rat-race for women, especially in their 30s. It scares the shit out of me watching women around me get engaged in glee, knowing that they cannot honestly accept their partner's imperfections. But whatever right? Better be married than to be a lonely old loser.

Wrong!

A person can be lonely in a marriage. Marriage would then be cheapened for its title, and women who marry in haste would have been cheapened by the whole idea of marriage.

The Modesty of Marriage

Marriage is not just the next step in a relationship. Getting engaged is not the cool, fun, attention-seeking thing that you could do as a couple. It's a union for life, and a commitment to each other as a whole. It's building a life together, loving and understanding each other wholly and unconditionally. It is about sharing life and death and everything in between. It goes deeper than just being the couple who got married in 2011.

I also know I am an intense lover (the complete opposite of my realistic lover, which results in a strange but near-perfect balance). But I know that when I say I do, I do take the other half as a part of me, a completion of my being, a source of comfort and my pillar of strength. Our children will be truly a product of our love as a whole, and not just the next visible step towards achieving the 'correct' life.

But who's to say anyone's marriage can or cannot achieve Nirvana? Better to have the modesty of marriage in your mind than to treat it like the next show and tell project. That way you can never be disappointed whether it works out or otherwise.

Life is Beachy

Forget the peaches, give me beaches!

As any woman would, I had my fair share of browsing girly wedding reception locations. The only difference was that I was doing it for work. My friend Jelly B and I had countless conversations about our dream weddings, and although beach weddings aren't on the top of my dream list, I began to see, today, how easy it was for young brides to want to get married on a patch of sand.

Even though beaches pose no valuable sentiments for me or my darling lover, I must admit it would make a picturesque memory for us and everyone else who attend the wedding. It sure beats the traditional, typical, hotel ballroom everyone in Kuala Lumpur is accustomed to.

But more than ever, it wasn't the biological female clock that was ticking; rather my own hunger for the sun and the sea. No, scrap the sea. Just give me the sun and the sand.

Anyway I found myself fanning through expensive resorts on Langkawi Island, daydreaming in between my article, and copy-pasting every darn detail to my darling lover on Windows Live. If he wasn't there I traced him to gTalk.

I now realise it's been almost 3 years since I last went to a beach. The last shot of beach escapade I had was at Singapore's Zoukout, three years ago - and of course I was not there for the beach. I was lovin' a good party!

Unfortunately as time does not wait for man, and evidently women like me, I have grown up. In size mostly, and am too embarrassed to flaunt my new curves to the a) hot young happening beachies , b) over-tanned fat old beached whales. I am most likely the only one in my group of girls who hasn't gone to a beach in so long, and that makes me sad.

Mid-year resolution 2010 - Go to a beach.

Ideally, I'd like to go to Tanjung Rhu in Langkawi, because I absolutely love its Lagoon pool, which let me add I have requested my boyfriend make for me if we ever get married and have a compound large enough to accommodate my little fake beach.

Korean Day. Because

Moments before Melbourne

I was talking to my Korean colleagues today and somehow the topic of my friend Zack surfaced. They were in awe and couldn't stop going on about what a great guitarist he is. So in honour of Zack, this is one of my favourite songs of his which he played with Cosmic Funk Express ages ago.

When I first heard it, Zack had recorded it solo on his computer and let me hear it on a 2GB USB mp3 player. There were 3 demos he let me have and till today I love listening to it.

Anyway, here is Korean Boy by CFE.

Korean Boy - Cosmic Funk Express